Work.

ok dear online diary, I'm back!

Compared to last year I've done quite dismally with the blogging. I'm okay with this because (1) I'm finding that it's nearly impossible to describe what I've been feeling and (2) have rediscovered the joys of writing in my notebook, which is pleasantly crinkly from when it shared the company of my leaky mug.

I think I'll do a couple of posts now!

First I will talk about work! And use lots of exclamation points!

One of the first things I had to come to terms with about work is that I am indeed living the life of an intern. This means that my main task has been re-organizing and clearing up gen5's database of contacts, and soon I'll transition into setting up their next 3-day somatics training. I'm also working a TON - eight hour days, mon-fri. my body is not used to sitting for that long, or staring that long at a computer. The office is cold and the outside is warm and colorful, so Chris and I take walks around the block. Here is what the office window looks like at sunset, when I want to be out on a mountain somewhere:



At first I was frustrated, especially when I compared what I was doing for gen5 with what I'd been doing for QEJ last year. Especially at the beginning of last week, when I hadn't yet found my place in the co-op or started hanging out with obies in town. I just felt lost, simultaneously useless and over-worked. then, I realized that the things I'm doing are actually really important to gen5's operation. If I could be helpful to this organization, which I truly believe is doing great work, and live in california while doing it, I'd be alright.

Then (and this is part of the centering stuff) I asked myself what I really wanted to get from being here. I realized that I want to learn as much as I can from the organization, learn as much as I can from the people there as well as the brilliant ones in my co-op. Appropriately timed for that realization was my Friday afternoon hike with Chris. I learned many things from that hike. The sunset made the ground red, we smelled the eucalyptus trees and heard owls hooting and hawks yelling in them, we heard people talking on their cell phones about internet bills. for future discussion: why listening fits so well into centering/not being reactionary (which is quite obvious but worth exploration), and also steps I've taken to pay attention to my body and what I'm feeling instead of intellectualizing nearly everything.

Another important thing to say about my work is that it's in East Oakland. Never in my life have I felt more white - today when I was walking around the block I noticed that I was the only visibly white person around. Princess Beverly, a woman who works for Causa Justa in the office we share, is hopefully going to give me a history of the area. But here are a few things that have shaped how I feel about it so far:

- An oberlin friend picked me up as I was locking up the office. someone walked up to us and asked, "are you doing the taxes?"

- today on the bus a woman was talking to the driver about her son. she said, "don't mind my racism but I'm trying to raise him more white than black." she said he's never gone to school in oakland and never will. she says she doesn't want him to have the life she has. I think about the community he won't have and the disconnect he might feel, the privileges he might achieve and yet how he might feel disconnected from the privileged. what's striking to me is the image of his mother pushing him up a ladder, how on that ladder he will always be looking down at her. And how hard she must be working to push him there out of love. it's so beautifully and horribly complicated.

- while I was opening up the office today, pulling apart the bars on the outside, a little girl and a man walked by. the man stopped to talk on the street with another fellow about head-start education, and the girl turned towards me. As I opened the doors that go inside, she came up to me and we said hi. I went inside and the man told her to follow him. the girl was two, maybe three, and I think about how many barricaded doors she's seen like this one and how goddamn terrible that is. my wish for her is that she can fantasize about and maybe even work towards a world without all the locks, even though she sees them everywhere.

ok, that's enough for now. soon I'll attempt to write about a myriad of topics. to come! a berkeley student co-op, a person in my co-op who studies chinese medicine and is teaching me new massage techniques, horseradish roots, centering, activism goals. I should sleep! tomorrow is a big day. Chris and I are leaving work early to go to a demonstration, then Staci is giving a talk, then hopefully a fire in the backyard with some obiefriends.

days here are long and good, overall.

you were born in '91? I have socks older than that

it's interesting, I haven't felt like writing in this all that much as compared to last year. I suspected this might be the case, and I think I know the reason, too. this month feels like a really personal, emotional journey as well as an activist/organizing journey, that it's inextricable. the things I'm thinking aren't necessarily what I want to write in an online journal, so I'm going to have to navigate that.

I can say I notice two things for certain: one, my age. I'm the youngest by far in my co-op and at work. two, how little I know about so many things. I have a friend here who spouts history at the slightest prompting; today among other things we went over the jonestown kool-aid mass suicide, how and why to prune trees, how the berlin wall fell and the subsequent rise of global capitalism. I'll mention a topic - the concept of a gym, isn't it weird? - and he goes off on it - gyms go back to the romans, etc. I would listen all day.

I'm trying to remember that it's okay to be young and curious. tonight my teacher-friend let me go with him to an arts and crafts party down the street. my friend sewed a patch onto his bag. one man there was drawing cartoons. he held one up and we all were impressed and I said my usual bit about not being too good spatially. the man - ramesh - insisted that I would draw. I sat down next to him and he had me copy the very top of a calvin cartoon head, and I did. then, we went onto the bottom, etc. I drew the rest of it and he drew the rest of it, and then we captioned them. Here's the one ramesh gave me:



the beautiful thing about hanging out with older activist minds is that I'm seeing all of these possibilities for radical adulthood. so often my politics are framed as a stage - that I'll eventually accept our capitalist society once I get a real job and settle down with my own family. here, I'm watching a woman raise her child in a co-op. she makes sure Oliver gets enough playtime with other kids his age, because he is around so many adults in the house all the time, and lets him watch TV, but doesn't like that he loves talking about guns. it's such interesting negotiation.

anyway, at this arts and crafts night there were so many people who seemed centered in their politics, like they've been engaging in these discussions for years and would continue to do so that night and each day after.

did I mention it's unbelievably stunning out here sometimes?

Centering and days off

Yesterday I had the rest of my orientation, and today I have off before I get really into things.

Highlights of day two orientation:

1. Centering/somatics at the beginning of the day

Because Gen5 works to eliminate sexual abuse, they've had to come up with an analysis of trauma. In this analysis, they've studied lots of neurobiology of ptsd, as well as other bodily healing practices like somatics. Gen5 maintains that when people react to stress, they go to one (or more) of five biological reactions - fight, flight, freeze, appease, and disassociate. Because neurons that fire together wire together (thank you, neuroscience class that I miraculously passed), our biological reaction becomes learned and enforced in our brains, so that we adopt it even when it's not necessarily the best option. However, Gen5 maintains that just as these reactions are learned, they can be un-learned. They do that by practicing centering - and the "practicing" part is emphasized, because these mechanisms become deeply engrained in us.

Because the nature of this work can trigger fight, flight, freeze, appease, and disassociate (it's interesting to think about which ones apply to you, and even how different ones can be learned in different relationships or circumstances), Gen5 has built centering and somatics into their daily practice. If people, when triggered, can take a moment to decide if their knee-jerk reaction is the right reaction, activism becomes less reactionary and more intentional.

There's so much more to say about this. Anyway - centering. Staci led us through it. I'll post the process of it later, after I've practiced it some and can make sure I've remembered it. Afterwards, we went through and said how we were feeling that day - because how we're feeling is the modality from which where we'll be conducting our work. Gen5 recently got rid of their office so they could concentrate funds on programming, so they're all working from different places. Even so, they do centering together on the phone.

Then Staci showed us what she calls "a somatic party-trick." We paired off. Then, she had us stand with our arms extended and respond to pressure from our partners. The first time, Staci pushed on my arm and instructed me to push back as hard as I could. The second, I was supposed to collapse, and nearly fell onto the couch. The third, I was supposed to center through the pressure, and think about my goals beyond the pressure. Then, we switched roles.

Staci and I talked about how, when we were fighting, we couldn't think of anything besides fighting more. And when she pushed me and I collapsed, she became indifferent to me and worried that she would hurt me. I felt the same when her arm was limp - why was I even bothering? When I was centering though, Staci felt interested in me, and interested in my thoughts. I felt sturdy.

Gen5 sometimes uses this somatic "party trick" when they're dealing with problems that the organization is facing, like a grant not working out. They'll play it out, with someone acting as the literal pressure on the organization. In this way, they can choose how they'll react in an intentional way - not one that's fighting for the sake of fighting, or caving in.

This might seem hokey, but I think there's value in thinking these things out spatially and physically, rather than just intellectually. All of these practices involve acknowledging that the body can be just as helpful - something I'm struggling with even during centering. I start thinking about all the things I'm supposed to feel, instead of just feeling. In any case, what makes gen5's use of somatics more than just white upper-class new-agey tactics is its analysis of its use in oppression of the body, see below.

2. Analyzing child sexual abuse (CSA) in terms of systems of oppression

I'll keep this shorter, but obviously it's very important to the work I'm doing. It feels like something I've already theorized, but systems of oppression are dynamic and sneaky, so it's always good to go back to them for a review session.

Gen5 theorizes that CSA is possible because of systems of oppression, and also helps further these systems of oppression. One example: their position is that child sexual abuse is an abuse of power, and teaches children to become complacent with power systems that abuse them. A white class-privileged man who abuses a child of color teaches that child race, class, and adult-child power. This is emphasized when that white man gets away with these acts because, at a certain point in the Child Protective Services, he can buy himself out of incarceration by signing the family up for private therapy sessions. Meanwhile, poor families and often families of color can't buy themselves out of this incarceration, and are less likely to confront the problem for fear of "airing dirty laundry" that could render their family member, possibly the family's source of income, in jail.

There are so many examples to go through it's nauseating. Another one: the boarding schools that indigenous children in the U.S. were sent to, in which sexual abuse was rampant - first, this sexual abuse was possible because of the imperialism and white supremacy that forced them from their communities and protection. Then, it perpetuated systems of oppression when abused children were taught that their bodies were inferior to white bodies and could do nothing to stop them.

After that discussion, we moved into Gen5's programming and goals for this year, which was less depressing. This work is intense in a lot of ways, and I'll keep writing/explaining that here. I think that's enough for now, though.

WOW this is long. So, like I mentioned, I have today off. I took the BART into San Francisco, had lunch with my mom's friend and her nieces, and then have been on Haight street since. To come: race/class/gentrification dynamics in the Bay Area. But in any case, it was incredible to see the Pacific and the Golden Gate and the mountains, and I had a delicious nutella-banana crepe, and my coffee in this coffee shop was free, I think because the worker was bein' flirty. So a good day. It's getting dark and I should take the bus back soon. Anyway, pictures! Here are some.


Above and below are some of the co-op living room.



View from the Haight Street cafe I'm in

one-month community

I'm trying to write each day so that it's habitual, but today was long and emotionally/intellectually exhausting, so no guarantees on quality.

I heard someone scientific-ish say the reason that we get depressed in winter is lack of visual stimulation, because we can't see as many colors or something. I believe this because when I'm inside here my eyes feel physically pulled to the windows, and whenever I'm outside I relish in each frame my head turns toward. the skyline here is so present, with the mountains. the people at my work outlined all the tourist-y places I have to go to continue having cliche enjoyments like these. my boss chris says that we can find someone with a car, so I can get down to the redwoods. it's funny planning these things because I know I'll most likely be doing them alone - I have no community here. It's a strange feeling, realizing that there's nobody with whom I could offer to exchange back massages. maybe I'll find some, who knows. back massages are so important.

So actually my housemate sascha just came in to my room to flick a power switch for the house. we had a really good conversation, most of which I'm not going to post here. He's unbelievably smart and started the Icarus Project, which is an activist group that "envisions a new culture and language that resonates with our actual experiences of 'mental illness' rather than trying to fit our lives into a conventional framework." we talked about how he wants to travel and see how different cultures define mental health norms -because it is so situational, what's considered madness. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by all of these activist minds, even though I only signed up for gen5. I'm getting sascha's history lessons, and my office space will be in Causa Justa, a latin@ housing rights organization. in any case, maybe sascha would go to the redwoods with me. I forget how easy it is to connect with strangers sometimes.

the other reason it's not feeling lonely here after just a day is gen5. key characters to know so far are Staci, one of the founders of the org, and Chris, who I'll be working with for most of the month. Staci and Chris led the orientation I had from 9:30-5 today. there's so much to say and I'm feeling like I should sleep in order to be ready for tomorrow. everyone in the house exudes calmness and focus like I've never seen. I know this is because of the healing and centering work they do, and it echoes out into the teaching Prentis and I got. it echoes in the amount of food they gave us - bagels with lox, indian take-out, chocolate-covered almonds - and the amount of eye contact they gave us, how often they asked how we were doing with the material. most importantly (or perhaps of equal importance? think about that) is that it echoes in their activist work, which feels incredibly well thought-out and sustainable. I'll speak more to that later.

phew. I'm so glad I'm here.

moving in

- Had been feeling nervous until I got into the airport and realized I was alone. then, I felt calm and excited. traveling necessitates reflection, and I wrote and talked to strangers and thought about planes crashing, which is what I think most people do when they're in planes. you wonder how many people around you are also thinking existential thoughts. then I read an article that a friend recommended which fit perfectly into the day. I also read this excellent one.

-airplane neighbors: first, a muslim man from sudan. we talked about rules, spirituality, and what praying five times a day does to a culture. it felt borderline convert-y, I was most interested in his discussion of northern/southern sudan and british colonization. second, a woman with painted-on eyebrows halfway into "The Faith and Values of Sarah Palin." I decided to abstain from conversation and nap instead.

- took a shuttle to my co-op. there are several kittens, a 6-year-old boy, her mother, who I watched get tattooed by another housemate in the living room tonight, other friendly people. they're strangers and I'm 20 years younger than them. the impression I get is that things are very unstructured.

-tomorrow/tuesday: 9-5:30 training with generation five. the goal is to take lots of notes.

Old thoughts new thoughts

Here's the problem with blogs and evolving political critiques: At the time of writing, something seems life-changing, revolutionary, or at least note-worthy. Then, a week or a month later, you're someone else and writing from someplace else, ideologically or physically. And what you wrote before looks stupid, underdeveloped, or obvious. You think (I think), "how was discovering social construction and intersectionality so revolutionary? how didn't I see all of this before?"

My mom is a freelance writer. My senior year, she wrote a piece about me in Newsweek called "My Daughter's Search for a Gay-Friendly College." It's the first thing that comes up on Google for my name. It's ridiculously embarrassing. At the time it didn't seem like a bad idea. Ann Arbor high schools were tolerant, but not much else can be said for them. At parties I had to figure out if I'd grind with the guys anyway or if it was inappropriate to dance with the straight girls, who danced with each other "platonically." My body didn't know quite where to go or how to feel. On our prom night party bus, everyone was passing around water bottles full of liquor, the boys were sitting down and most of the girls were trying to dance on the rickety bus poles but falling drunkenly on everyone else. I texted my gay "mentor" at the University of Michigan asking her to please tell me that things got better. She responded that they most certainly did. I thought college would be my out; a place I could finally be a part of a queer community, not be led on by questioning straight girls. The piece was accurate - I felt sorry for myself; I wanted the next place I went to be different.

This, of course, happened way before I went to Oberlin. It happened way before I developed a political analysis to understand that not everyone has the privilege to deal with homophobia by leaving their communities and going somewhere else, much less a ridiculously expensive liberal arts college. In the article, my mom quotes me about an LGBT conference I went to: "For once, I wasn't a deviant from the norm."

Now, that quote makes me want to vomit. I don't like norms. I don't think anybody can achieve them. I think attempts to approximate them only serve white people with money, etc. The quote is loaded with dangerous homonormativity.

I guess the whole point of this, though, is to say that, emotionally, that's where I was. I was doing activism in the Ann Arbor high schools to improve the climate around queer stuff, but I wanted out, and I wanted to be able to be free of the subtle tolerant bullshit in the schools, in which my little sister in 8th grade hasn't heard about Stonewall, much less a critique of the state.

Right, so, how does this relate to my winter term with Generation FIVE? I've been thinking a lot, as always, about emotions and intent. How can my family and friends and I talk about issues concerning social justice in ways that challenge ourselves but also meet each other where we're at? When I'm in bad moods, I get angry at my parents for making comments that I interpret as offensive and that they haven't given a thought about. I address things without tact and as quickly as possible. I don't think about their long-term social justice journeys. This happens mostly when I've been living at home for a little too long, like now.

Generation FIVE, from what I understand so far, focuses on how we can't transform society unless we are able to transform ourselves as individuals. They understand that, unless we address emotion, and knee-jerk reactions to our triggers, oppressions and privileges, we can't think beyond what we have to something better. Essentially, if we're not treating ourselves and the people around us well, we're not going to achieve liberation. It's an idea activists often let slide, partially because our society tells us that the only way we can achieve self-actualization is through consumerism, marriage and children. Individual transformation is seen as self-indulgent, when in fact, it's crucial.

Ugh, this is long, disorganized and doesn't say exactly what I set out to say. Essentially, in this acknowledgment of the self, it's important not to knock our former thoughts and feelings. Last year's posts are old. This year's posts will eventually be old. My senior-in-high-school self is well-intentioned, too. Now, I can offer up a queer critique of Dan Savage's homonormative "It Gets Better" campaign, and that's good too.

Thoughts about leaving tomorrow/transformative justice (to be elaborated upon in detail later)/generation five:
-laundry/doing it
- how do we deal with individual violence without relying on the state's oppressive incarceration practices?/we need to
- speaking of racist state systems, TSA will be obnoxious
- wonder what my co-op will be like...

Ok, well, last-minute Ann Arbor things call. All for now!

moving around

Been back at school for two days now, and after my half-week in Ann Arbor, New York seems ages ago. But it wasn't.

- Sunday and Monday after I flew home, I was editing the report. Working on it in Ann Arbor was tough, because there my energy is almost entirely focused on friends and family.

- The day before I went south to Ohio, Michelle sent me the completed copy of "A Fabulous Attitude - Low-Income LGBTGNCE People Surviving and Thriving on Love, Shelter & Knowledge." It is beautiful, because it is truthful and as encompassing a view as possible into the lives of these often-ignored people. AND MY NAME WAS ON IT. I'm not a big advocate of caps lock, but it was so exciting, and printed twice - once under the list of Welfare Warriors, and then on its lonesome under "editing."

- My friend mentioned that I needed some kind of closing post, and I agree with him. On principle, though, I can't write about closure because I have none - my time with QEJ is over, but the critical thinking I've started to do increasingly often is, well, only increasing. Watch out, structures of power. You're going to be examined, and I mean it in the violating, police strip-search of a trans person kind of way (perhaps that's what "fighting back" entails). Wait, that might be awful to say. Oh well.

- Ohio is not New York. But I love a lot of people here, and there's a lot of passion - whether for activism or other aspects of life - that I can't wait to tap into. This new semester has a lot of promise. I may even continue to write here, for those interested, about upcoming adventures in Oberlin. So in conclusion(ish), goodbye (for now)!